* New! 焦慮與抗拒成為一個照顧他人的角色
Being Anxious and Resisting to Become the Role of Taking Care of Others 2018.11
Seeing Myself Be Reborn
‧ Alice 撰
I relied on my brain, to be exact, I was used to only believe in logic and think inside my box. Until meeting Teacher Duan, I met with the strong subconscious’ power and the love which flows in my heart.
In May of 2017, I couldn’t help but fall in anxiety and fear due to heavy responsibilities of long-term care and some accidents beyond control. But seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine wouldn’t be my choice because I used to suffer from depression 15 years ago and the psychiatrist’s treatment cured me, but I was like a zombie in that period. With a friend’s introduction, I found the “Orlando Consultation” of Teacher Duan in August. In the first conversation, the teacher spent 4 hours realizing critical events in my life and inquired about my feelings and self-interpretation to those events. During the process, I found that my impression of those things before the age of 18 was very vague, especially the period before I was 6. The Teacher told me that it has nothing to do with memory ability but your mind---you want to remember or forget(repress) these events. At that time, I couldn’t fully believe because I thought things almost go well in my growth without encountering domestic violence or parents’ divorce, I had no idea why I repress my memory. And the Teacher told me she was worried that I hadn’t ready for facing my past, but I thought my pain has reached the limit, so I still made the second appointment with the Teacher.
In the second consultation, it formally stepped into subconscious process. As the Teacher expected, my awareness(brain) constantly fought with subconsciousness. I kept wondering whether what I had experienced is from the subconsciousness or self-imagination. Rational thinking wanted to control and judge in the process, so the pictures in my subconsciousness were interfered by my self-doubt and cleaved into fragments. But I still saw the scenes of my childhood that I was always lonely, quietly waiting and restless. In the meditation during the consultation, through my words, the Teacher skillfully found the most important keyword of mine---“efforts”. The fact was that since I was a child, I was relatively neglected because my parents’ busyness and my excellent elder sister’s aura. Therefore, I made more and more efforts to get attention and approval, I was that eager to be seen, approved and loved. And the ultimate fear in my heart is to face the death of my parents and the loneliness and poverty in my old age!
In the third and fourth subconscious consultation, the Teacher led me to go back to my studying process of the age of 7 and 22 and the work stage after graduation from college. In the two consultations, I could gradually lay my brain and awareness down and followed the subconsciousness with the Teacher’s guide because I practiced the methods which the Teacher gave me. I was amazed that the subconsciousness would automatically search the most meaningful and crucial information, and they arise in my mind with the Teacher’s guide. For example, when I saw the work stage, I actually did several jobs; however, when the Teacher said ”subconsciousness automatically came to the next work scene”, some non-critical work were skipped and jumped to the most important scene. It made me believe in the strength of our inner power. As in the childhood, “efforts” is the curse of my life, I always cared about people’s evaluation. I thought I had to better, better and better and never care for my heart whether it can afford so many demands, standards and needs. In the end, I lost myself in the process of satisfying others’ needs (in fact, what I did was to satisfy my need of getting others’ approval). Therefore, I felt I was a victim, and then complained and was angry at everything in life. So, my mentality and physicality were crushed by these long-term anxieties of not playing a good role and not meet others’ needs. In the other hand, my “rush” of pushing myself to get better soon accelerated the exacerbation of my mental and physical condition. The Teacher guided me to experience this important truth in the subconsciousness so that from the bottom of my heart I truly realized the importance of slowing down and looking inside my heart.
After the fourth consultation, actually my anxiety and fear were relieved step by step, and my feelings of seeing people and things around me gradually began to change amazingly. For example, my old parents, whom I thought were burdens of my life and hoped could leave as soon as possible before, though caring about them is still hard, but now they are whom I want to thank a lot. They are still here so that I can have relatives and can feel caring and love. My in-laws, whom I thought it was hard to get along with at ease before, but now we have more comfortable atmosphere. And I couldn’t accept things they give to me before because I was afraid to owe them, but now I can accept the things and feel their caring behind those things. In addition, I was accustomed to treading a fine line when interacting with my friends very carefully because I thought if I was not so considerate and thoughtful that I couldn’t be accepted and loved by them. But now I feel more free to show my true self, don’t please others on purpose anymore and feel less concerned about others’ evaluation. All of these changes are not controlled by my consciousness but brought by the wonderful subconsciousness.
In the last consultation, the Teacher guided me(in the subconsciousness) to view my several love affairs in the past. It made me realize that those patterns were seemed to be the same from one another, but the essence inside was different. I saw what I was truly eager for and what I really cared about in the affairs. And I realized that past harm was over, I don’t need to forgive or regret. I just accept myself then and know that I have different needs at different periods of time. Then continue to treasure the relationship now and live my everyday life with gratitude!
I really appreciate that Teacher Duan led me to pass through the special process which made me experience how precious the strength of physicality and mentality(subconsciousness) is. It is worthy for us to put our brain (consciousness) down, listen to it, and love it. With the Teacher’s patient accompany, I insisted to accomplish the journey eventually and saw the most beautiful scenery. I think I didn’t go back to “the past self” but experienced “thorough rebirth”. I also hope that more people who are struggling in pain can see the beauty of life again as me.
段老師的話(Teacher Duan's Words)
Alice was a case introduced by a Chinese medicine doctor friend of mine. When I saw her at first glance, I felt sympathetic towards her and I believed that it must be mental factors which made her so sad and gaunt. After detailed inquiries of the first conversation, I was almost sure about the ins and out of why she suffered from physical and mental symptoms, such as depression. When I heard her saying that she was painful both in mentality and physicality and wanted to end her life because of feeling hopeless about everything, I was worried. Although I knew clearly how to deal with her problems, and the path of dealing with her problems was as obvious as being directed on the map and wasn’t difficult. However, as what she said in the sharing above, she seemed not to be ready for facing all the things hidden in her growing experience. Under this circumstance, I could do nothing about her resistance. Therefore, it was a fierce battle between consciousness/brain and subconsciousness/mentality. I still remember the process profoundly. If stating this by a metaphor, I was a guide and she was a climber, I was familiar with which way to go could I take her to the place she wanted to go. But her resistance and fear of facing her inner mind, for us, as if we had encountered a blizzard in the mountain road, so it became extremely difficult for us to go forward. In general, facing such condition, I often directly advised the cases to stop temporarily and come again when they are ready. But facing Alice, I didn’t dare to stop on the spot because I was really scared that if I let her go at this moment, I didn’t know whether she would exist in this world tomorrow. It was “a resolution of must taking her to the top of the mountain, even carrying her on my back!” So I still remember that I was really exhausted after the subconscious consultation that day. When she left the consulting room, I thought that the result should take her to start a good change.
However, she sent a short message to me before the next appointment, saying that she had to pause the consultation. I always respect any decisions of the cases, especially when they still resist and aren’t ready to face. But at this time, after canceling the consultation, I still often thought of her and felt sorry that she has come here, why didn’t she take more steps and then she could be completely changed? If so, she could live in the world happily. After that, I couldn’t help but tell the Chinese medicine doctor friend who introduced her to come. I said that “It was really a pity. I could deal with her problems and she could get better.” The friend said ”Ok, I will push this thing.”
Eventually, one day, a man who claimed himself as Alice’s husband called me and said that Alice wanted to come again but she was embarrassed. She didn’t know that I was so happy and welcomed her.
This time when we met again, she didn’t resist anymore, but as she wrote, her “rush” which made her too rush to see herself why not get better soon, and then she became more depressed and anxious so that her thought of ending life was arouse again. So it took me some time to let her know that it had to go through some processes and the truth of “more haste, less speed”. I told her to trust me and what she had to do was following the “homework” I gave her to practice.
This time, she began to be willing to truly face herself and practiced the homework I gave her diligently. Therefore, when I saw her several times later, she was felt like a whole new person. I still remember that when I saw her at the first time, she was that weak, unhappy and gaunt, but she had become so powerful, happy and beautiful! Also, as what she said in the article, the relationship among her and people around her (parents, in-laws, husband and friends) also began to change positively.
Because of this job, I have met many people with depression so that I know that it is very hard for those who suffered from depression. But please believe that the condition can be changed as long as you really face it and get professional and proper subconscious guidance, every person's inner nature wisdom must be able to be activated to solve and relieve these problems, fear and trauma that cause depression.
Alice was a case who found me six months ago, now she may have gone back to work. At the same time of posting her sharing here, I want to tell her that “Don’t forget to maintain our previous practice~ And I wish Alice happiness and fulfillment because you have been reborn!”