I finally can walk on my way at ease
For many years, I have suffered from inexplicable mysophobia (fearing of being dirty) and panic. The fear followed me like the never-departing shadow, I just couldn’t relax and wanted to hide myself. When I walked on the road, I was very nervous and afraid of seeing garbage cans, the pool of water on the ground, or some plastic bags which had been used to put food in. When I took the MRT and bus, I was also afraid because of feeling that the people beside me weren’t clean. I even didn’t like my shoes, bags and clothes to be touched by others. And I even thought that I may feel better if I could disappear. I was in so much pain until a friend sent me the website of Orlando, for the sake of saving myself, I made an appointment with the Teacher Duan.
When I first met and conversed with the Teacher Duan, she asked me about many things of my childhood very carefully. I had never thought that the fear of being dirty which was like obsessive-compulsive disorder had something to do with my childhood and growing experience. But I was willing to believe the Teacher Duan.
In the later three times, the Teacher led me to proceed with the subconscious consultation, in the backtrack, it turned out that when I was a child, I was so lonely and nervous. I was always cautious and frightened of doing something wrong which would let my father bawl me out such as dropping fruit on the ground when eating. And when there was ugly handwriting (even a word) in my Chinese assignment, he would make me erase and rewrite it again and again, and then he would even fly into a rage and tore up my workbook. I was always angry because it seemed that at home I was not as good as my sister who was excellent at studying and beautiful. However, in the backtrack, I found that my parents didn’t compare us as what I thought. In the other hand, I was always unhappy, petty-minded and wore a long face, no wonder my family didn’t like to be with me.
While doing the subconscious backtrack of my school experience, it was discovered that I was excluded and neglected, it was related to the reason that I lacked of self-confidence, and then the thing went in a vicious circle. These things were seemingly irrelevant, but with the Teacher’s guidance in the exploration and consultation of subconsciousness, I finally realized their inner association. Feeling uneasy and insecure about myself started when I was a child, and then it penetrated through my whole life. Just like the Teacher said, in fact, the obsessive-compulsive disorder of fearing to touch dirty things and being afraid that I will get dirty was just the ultimate reflection of my unease which was from lacking of confidence.
By following the Teacher’s guidance during several subconscious consultations, I started to release the pain and realized the value and beauty of my existence after dealing with the unhappiness in my childhood and the process of growth. The restlessness in my mind gradually be loosened. Every time when I left the consultation room, I felt that my batteries were recharged, and then I came back to life, I saw a different world, of course the world didn’t change, the trash cans were still beside the bus stop, and there were still pools of water on the ground, but I could walk on the road at ease. After the third consultation, one day, when I walked on the road and was enjoying the streetscape, I suddenly found that I didn’t even pay attention to those things like the trash cans, ah, I finally could walk at ease. But what surprised me more was that I felt relaxed between my family and colleagues. Even if I didn’t talk, I still could stay calm alone instead of finding topics deliberately and nervously. It’s really like the Teacher said, when I can repair myself, I can get along with the world peacefully. Thank the Teacher Duan for enabling me to start to live freely.
段老師的話(Teacher Duan's Words)
Fancy 一進來，我已經感受到緊張焦慮的能量氛圍，我帶著她先從她之所以來找我的困境談起---潔癖恐慌。其實這類的朋友，活得很辛苦，因為她們被生活裡可能隨時出現的敵人---垃圾桶、地上一灘水、角落的某個垃圾袋，包圍進攻。草木皆兵，幾乎可以這樣形容吧。但這樣只是靠迴避、小心，並沒法解決問題，只會帶來為了要處處迴避而生起的更加緊張。事實上，這類恐懼「外在世界的髒」的個案朋友，在我的潛意識處理經驗裡，其內心深處都有著覺得「自己很不好」的焦慮。所以在處理這類問題時，我一定還是會先探索個案成長經驗裡的內在脆弱、自責、恐懼、自我詆毀，然後予以療癒，當內在心靈療癒、強壯了，就彷彿身體有了本具的免疫力，就自然可以和平地跟外在世界相處，當然對Fancy 來說，就可以自在地好好走在路上，享受街景，而與周遭人際的相處，也如複製一般，自然地可以自在愉悅地發展。
When Fancy came in, I already felt the nervous and anxious atmosphere of energy. I led her first to talk about the plight which was why she came to me---panic of fearing to be dirty. Actually, this kind of people live a hard life because they are surrounded by enemies that may appear at any time in their lives---garbage cans, a pool of water on the ground, a certain garbage bag in the corner. “Every bush and tree looks like an enemy”, it almost can be described like this. But relying on such evasion and carefulness can’t solve the problem but only leads to more tension because they have to dodge everywhere.
Actually, such kind of people of fearing “the dirty of the outer world”, in my experience of subconsciousness consultation, they have anxiousness of feeling “I am very bad” in the bottom of their minds. Therefore, while dealing with such problems, I must still explore the person’s inner fragility, self-condemnation, fear and self-rejection in his/her growing experience at first, and then heal them. When the inner mind recovers and becomes strong, it will be like that the body takes back the immunity which the body originally has; naturally, the person can get along with the outer world peacefully. To Fancy, she finally can walk on her way at ease and enjoy the street scenes. And as copying of pattern above, naturally, the interpersonal relationship between her and others can be developed comfortably and happily.
In short, our feelings and responses to the outer world are actually the reflections of our inner world!