* New! 焦慮與抗拒成為一個照顧他人的角色
Being Anxious and Resisting to Become the Role of Taking Care of Others 2018.11
Many years ago, the reason why I sought for the Teacher was because I had been immersed in a morbid love relationship for many years. The big change of family in my childhood resulted my lack of love and made me can’t help but keep looking for being loved in the relationships to fill my hunger of love that I never feel full and satisfied. In fact, before this, I had joined several self-growth groups and had some understandings of my own situation. However, at that time, although I was able to contact the past me whom had been blocked by myself for years, I still could not gain strength. It turned out that though I was aware of the reasons but still could not change the situation. As long as entering into the love relationship, I automatically shrank myself and only prayed for being loved. So my lover’s a little bit of good was infinitely magnified, and the bad parts were reduced to a minimum by me no matter how bad he was. The only thing I wanted was to possess this love relationship. When I recalled that me at this moment, I think it was really like the state of mind of a battered woman who wanted to leave such situation but was just unable to do so. It’s not until that I found Teacher Duan and had subconscious consultation, I started to pluck up my courage and take actions to leave and then changed my life path. Fortunately, I also began to learn from Teacher Duan.
～Reconciliation with Mother~
During the past few years, I have kept learning from the Teacher to look inside myself. The biggest change is the relationship between my mother and I. I changed from a daughter “having resentments, wanting to escape, being unable to give love" to one who can accept the present and no longer shirk. The teacher taught me to see, adjust and practice once and again, made me be able to listen and accept my mother with a more objective role, and then, by doing so, I felt that my mother actually loved me. I saw that my mother had tried her best to give me her love. When I felt my mother’s love, I became calmer to accept the relationship with my mother and I can also start to love and care about my mother.
～Seeing My Daughter Again~
Five years ago, my daughter was born. Because I knew how big the influence parents have on children, I also tried hard not to bring my lesson to the parent-child relationship. But unconsciously, I still hoped that my daughter would not become “me” who "used to be obedient in order to be cared and loved in relationships." So I gave my daughter plenty of space and opinions of her own initiative and thought that this was to give respect to the child's feeling. But I ignored that the nature quality of my daughter and mines are different......... Then, as my child attended the kindergarten, it coincided with the timing on which my job and courses of graduated school overlapped. I was nervous and anxious every day, but my strong-minded and persistent daughter always stuck on her own opinion at the moment which I felt inappropriate. So every morning, before going out, there were battles between mother(me) and daughter (I was anxious about being late while my daughter was not willing to put on clothes which were chosen by me were not what she wanted. And when my daughter was not willing to put on such clothes, even though I assisted her in putting on, she cried out and took them off. And you could never push her…);
In addition, my daughter was often shy when facing strangers and couldn’t say hello cutely and lovely to relatives and others, even acquaintances. It made me feel that I couldn’t teach her well to make her be a polite child. Even though I understood that it was my daughter’s nature, and it was improper to force her too much. But I was still motivated by my own fears and tried all kinds of methods to ask my daughter to say hello to relatives who we met every day. At the same time, my daughter was also picky for foods and had various rebellious behaviors.
Moreover, my daughter was almost unable to communicate when she was covered by negative emotions, and any languages were useless at this time. No matter what I said from the empathy, my daughter seemed to lose hearing. I guessed that she could only feel my unhappy attitude and emotion then. However, during that period of time, I was under double pressure and could not sleep well every day, I became a panic mother who freaked out and yelled every 2-3 days---I was angry that my daughter was not well-behaved to sleep, eat, drink milk and put on clothes to go out, or cooperate with me so that I was late...
But after yelling to her, I still had to clean up the mess by myself. After a few times, I was shocked that I couldn’t comfort my daughter and it really made me feel frustrated. I triggered my daughter’s strong emotions and knew that what my daughter needed was my love. But every time I saw that my daughter was emotionally hurt, my own feelings still deeply affected me. Under such circumstances, all my pacification was useless.
Even though my mood was stable later, my daughter still did not accept my aid and comfort. Such situation was huge strike and frustration for me. At this time, Teacher Duan helped me to see how my attitude affected my daughter’s emotions and made me realize that I still considered “I” as the main body when raising my daughter instead of really seeing her need. That’s why I couldn’t really treat my daughter from empathy and of course my daughter didn’t accept my comfort. (Teacher Duan showed and made me feel the same feeling of my daughter when my daughter heard my various words and reactions.) Thus, I started to look back at myself and adjusted my mentality and emotions. By quitting yelling and adjusting my emotions, the relationship between my daughter and I was improved gradually.
But even though the parent-child relationship improved, I still couldn’t enjoy the parent-child time all the time and also felt that my daughter was too clingy so that sometimes I wanted to escape. And I also couldn’t see some of my daughter’s thoughts were because she wanted to make me happy. At this time, Teacher Duan pointed out that my blind spot in the parent-child relationship in one sentence so that I could begin to adjust my mentality again. This time, I could really see my daughter and suddenly saw that the child in front of me was so cute, innocent and creative. I also felt that my daughter was sometimes very thoughtful and humor. At this moment, when I recalled, the change of my child's behavior was not big. However, after my own status and vision changed, I could feel some of my daughter's subtle intentions. After I was not in a hurry to complete every “to-do," I started to enjoy the time with my child. The amazing thing was that my daughter became an angel child in this kind of interaction. When the parent-child relationship has opened a virtuous circle, even though some things still couldn’t match my daughter’s wishes, she was more easily comforted by me. The duration of my daughter being temperamental, venting her feelings, and being unwilling to compromise has been shortened and many things have become more negotiable. All these changes were because the Teacher Duan pointed out my blind point in the relationship and gave me the direction and methods to adjust so that it brought the subsequent changes.
The improvement of these two parent-child relationships lasted for more than a year. In the first year, I started to quit yelling, the relationship between mother and daughter was improved indeed, but my daughter was still very moody and hard to be comforted, and there were many things which were difficult to negotiate.
In the second year, i.e. the last two months, when I was not so busy, my mood was stable, and I began to appreciate my daughter, the relationship between my daughter and I was not only improved but also became close, and my daughter became emotionally stable and pacifiable when she was unhappy, and it was able to discuss with her when things didn’t always work out as she thought.
Some people may say that these changes are improved because the children get elder. But I deeply realized that the biggest reason was the change of myself as a mother and led to a virtuous cycle. I am good at talking with empathy and showing curiosity and same attitude of empathy at work, but once I enter into the intimate"task-type mother" always appeared immediately. So that I can't really see my child and treat her feelings with empathy. Thank Teacher Duan for patiently carrying me to see and adjust myself continuously. Thus, I can really "see," take good care of and love my daughter.
I sincerely hope that my daughter could grow up at her own way and with her own style.
段老師的話(Teacher Duan's Words)
Ring is my past case, she keeps learning in my classroom until now after the subconscious consultation. When she came to me for the subconscious consultation, she was trapped in the frustration and helplessness of love relationship, I still clearly remember that the source of her problem was from the so-called “lack of love” of her childhood which caused her to always make herself unhappy in the love relationship for fear of losing love. After the subconscious consultation, Ring voluntarily ended the unpleasant relationship which actually hurt herself constantly. After that, she met a good partner who is now her husband. As what she said in her article, with her mother’s aging and illness in the past years, there were complicated entanglements of love and grudge in her mind, so she began to directly face with the relationship between her mother and her. And when she had her daughter, the subject of thirst for love continued to appear in the parent-child relationship between her daughter and her.
Perhaps the readers will be confused, hasn't she done the subconscious consultation? Why did she still come across problems again and again? I also want to grasp this chance and make some explanations on this issue.
Can the problems of life be solved at one time?
As far as I face my own life-oriented issues and my experience in dealing with problems of the cases, it told that the “essence” of the core spindle of the problems can indeed be solved and flipped in the period of consultation, but the wrong habitual tendency behind our previous problems has been constantly copied by ourselves in the subconscious for decades as the deep scores, if you don’t keep practicing the new mindset mode you learned in the consultation room, it’s very likely to return to your originally accustomed thinking mode. Therefore, it is why I “strongly emphasized” that when you come here to me and then go back to your life, please practice the subconscious homework I gave.
In fact, I have seen that all the cases who practice seriously really have significant qualitative and quantitative changes. On the quality, I can help, but on the quantity of change, it can only be practiced by the case him/herself. I often say it is like that I have boiled the water for you, if you want to drink the water at the same temperature after you go home, you have to keep the fire going to keep the water warm. The so-called “keeping the fire going” means "keep practicing."
In addition, different events may involve different internal issues. Therefore, although we successfully healed the problems brought by the cases in the subconscious consultation, as the time goes by and the life journey changes, the new events or situations which occurred on the case may have tempered some of the issues that were not revealed at the time.
For example, after Ring came to me, her lack of love in the childhood was healed and she finally could get rid of self-pity and manage her own life confidently, but when her mother got old and sick, it was the beginning for her to face with the issue of taking care of her mother; and when she became a mother, she began to face with the issue of being a giver rather than a taker who thirsts for love. These were situations and issues which she had not encountered during the consultation at that time: the resistance of giving and the fear of commitment. Fortunately, because Ring has been involved in the monthly learning in the classroom, in the process of life, according to her physical and mental state at that time, I can moderately deal with her subconscious problems or point her problems out and suggest her how she can use the subconscious methods I have taught her to think and solve them.
So, does this mean that the problems of life can never be solved all?
I often use the theory of a spiral ladder I invented to explain: When we climb the spiral ladder, we may see a certain scenic spot on the same x-axis in a while, but as we keep climbing up, the height of which we stand to see the x-axis point is also the height of the y-axis is actually different. This means that a problem can be solved over a period of time. However, with the course of life and the changes in the surrounding cause, the same problems may lead to other and more in-depth topics.
And if it means that the problems will never be solved? Um, my personal experience and interpretation is: even if you have to face with the same x-axis point, because the previous learning has already increased your ability to solve the problems, this time, as long as you face with and learn the problems with your true heart again, after you cross this difficulty again and get through the learning, your realization will be higher, and the harvest will be more abundant, for the y-axis point you are at is also higher.
So instead of saying that the "problems" can never all be solved, it is better to say that these are the gifts that the universe and the heaven have been giving to us, so that we can continue growing and enjoying more abundant gifts of wisdom.
I think that about these words of mine, Ring who now that already can comfortably accompany her mother and enjoys taking care of her daughter will definitely agree. I sincerely hope that everyone has the opportunity to enjoy the sweet fruits after crossing the hardship of life, like Ring or other cases, and even the students in the classroom.
The premise is, to face, and heal, in the subconscious bravely.