段貞夙  老師 (Susan)    

 
Why  個案心得及老師解析
 

* New! 焦慮與抗拒成為一個照顧他人的角色 2018.11
Being Anxious and Resisting to Become the Role of Taking Care of Others
* 莫名的潔癖恐慌 2018.4
Inexplicable Panic of Fearing to Be Dirty 
* 憂鬱症 2018.1
Depression 
* 童年匱乏愛,導致偏差的愛情及人生方式  2017.7
* 焦慮沮喪 2017.7
* 恐慌症  2017.1
* 煩惱於教養孩子及創業工作
* 內在能量依賴沒長大,導致的情感與人際痛苦
* 恐懼、不敢表達、選擇及承擔---修正負面模式習氣 
* 工作及人生茫然無方向
* 憂鬱症,缺乏動力,易怒
* 情感挫敗不斷重覆
* 人際恐懼、自我封閉
* 既逃避與競爭的矛盾性格
* 暴食及人際上的不開心
* 憂鬱症,人際退縮
* 身心症狀、心悸、恐慌症
* 婆媳夫妻親子關係緊張與憤怒
* 缺乏自信,不敢承擔,甲狀腺機能亢進
* 習於逃避,婚姻不順遂
* 暴食與購物狂之成癮

 
 

 *New! 焦慮與抗拒成為一個照顧他人的角色 Being Anxious and Resisting to Become the Role of Taking Care of Others

生命的向上提升───從匱乏到付出
The Uplift of Life--From Lack to Give

Ring

   多年前,我之所以會找到段老師,是因為我已經沉浸在一段病態的感情裡多年,童年家變事件導致的情感匱乏,讓我不斷在感情中尋找被愛的感覺,以填補我覺得永遠吃不飽的情感飢餓。其實在這之前,我已經上過多次的自我成長團體,對自己的狀態也有一些了解,但是當時的我雖能與阻隔多年的自己接觸,卻長不出力量,於是變成知道原因,卻無法改變現狀,一進入感情,我就還是自動化地把自己縮小,只求能被愛,因此對方一點點的好被我無限放大,對方再多的不好,我都把它縮到最小,我要的只是不失去這段感情就好,現在回想,真的很像受暴婦女的心境,想離開卻離不開,直到找段老師做過潛意識處理,我才生出離開的勇氣與行動,從而改變了人生的道路,很幸運地,也開始跟老師學習的路程。

Many years ago, the reason why I sought for the Teacher was because I had been immersed in a morbid love relationship for many years. The big change of family in my childhood resulted my lack of love and made me can’t help but keep looking for being loved in the relationships to fill my hunger of love that I never feel full and satisfied. In fact, before this, I had joined several self-growth groups and had some understandings of my own situation. However, at that time, although I was able to contact the past me whom had been blocked by myself for years, I still could not gain strength. It turned out that though I was aware of the reasons but still could not change the situation. As long as entering into the love relationship, I automatically shrank myself and only prayed for being loved. So my lover’s a little bit of good was infinitely magnified, and the bad parts were reduced to a minimum by me no matter how bad he was. The only thing I wanted was to possess this love relationship. When I recalled that me at this moment, I think it was really like the state of mind of a battered woman who wanted to leave such situation but was just unable to do so. It’s not until that I found Teacher Duan and had subconscious consultation, I started to pluck up my courage and take actions to leave and then changed my life path. Fortunately, I also began to learn from Teacher Duan.

 

與母親和
Reconciliation with Mother~   

這幾年不斷跟老師學習往內看自己,最大的改變是與母親的關係,一個「怨懟、想逃避、無法給愛」的女兒,到接受現狀,不再逃避,老師教導我一次次的看見、調整及練習,使得我能以比較客觀的角色去傾聽及接納我的母親,從而也感受到母親其實對我有著愛,我看到母親在她所能給予的範圍內,已經盡力給我了,當我感受到母親的愛,我也就更能坦然接受我與母親的關係,從而我也開始能去愛與關懷母親了。

During the past few years, I have kept learning from the Teacher to look inside myself. The biggest change is the relationship between my mother and I. I changed from a daughter “having resentments, wanting to escape, being unable to give love" to one who can accept the present and no longer shirk. The teacher taught me to see, adjust and practice once and again, made me be able to listen and accept my mother with a more objective role, and then, by doing so, I felt that my mother actually loved me. I saw that my mother had tried her best to give me her love. When I felt my mother’s love, I became calmer to accept the relationship with my mother and I can also start to love and care about my mother.


重新看見女兒
Seeing My Daughter Again~  

    
      五年前我的女兒出生了,因為有鑑於父母親對孩子的影響有多大,因此我也努力想要不把自己的課題帶到親子關係中,但是不知不覺中,我仍然希望女兒不要成為「過去乖巧聽話以求在關係中被關愛」的我,因此我大量地讓女兒有自主的空間及意見,以為這樣是尊重孩子的感受,但我忽略了我與女兒的天生氣質並不相同………然後隨著孩子進入幼稚園後,適逢我工作及研究所課程重疊的時機,我每天精神緊繃而焦慮,可是主見強及堅持度高的女兒,總是在很多我覺得不恰當的時刻堅持己見,於是每天早上光是出門就要先母女大戰一番(我心情焦急遲到,女兒卻不願換衣服,因為我挑選的不是她想穿的衣服,當女兒不願意換衣服時,即使幫她換上,也會大哭自己脫掉,無法強迫她);另外,女兒面對外人的時候常感到害羞,無法可愛活潑地與他人及親戚打招呼,甚至是熟人也不行,讓我總覺得我無法教出一個有禮貌的小孩,即使知道女兒天性如此,不宜過度強制,但我仍然被我自己的恐懼驅使,用盡各種方法要女兒跟每天見面的親戚打招呼;與此同時,女兒也有挑食及各種反抗的行為,且女兒在被負面情緒籠罩的時候,幾乎無法與任何人接觸,此時語言是不管用的,不管我使用如何同理的語言,女兒彷彿失聰一般,我猜她當下只能感受到媽媽不高興的態度與情緒,可我在雙重壓力及每天都睡不好的狀態下,每2-3天就會成為理智斷線的大吼媽,我生氣女兒不好好睡覺,生氣女兒不好好吃飯,不好好喝牛奶換衣準備出門,生氣我因為女兒不配合而遲到……但大吼之後還是得自己收拾殘局,幾次之後才驚覺我根本無法安撫女兒,這讓我深感挫折,我引發了女兒強烈的情緒,我心中知道女兒需要我的愛,但每一次看到女兒心理受傷時,我自身的情緒仍然深深影響著我,在這樣的情況下,我的安撫一切無效,到後期即使我的情緒穩定了,女兒仍然不接受我的安撫,這對於我是天大的打擊與挫折,此時,是段老師我看到了我的態度如何影響著女兒的情緒,讓我看到我仍然以「我」為主體在養育孩子,而不是真的看到女兒本身,因此無法真的同理女兒,女兒自然不接受我的安撫(老師示範讓我體會女兒在聽到我各種言語反應後的感受是什麼),因此我才又回頭看自己,調整自己的心態與情緒,隨著我戒吼及調整自己的情緒,我與女兒的關係也日漸改善。
    

Five years ago, my daughter was born. Because I knew how big the influence parents have on children, I also tried hard not to bring my lesson to the parent-child relationship. But unconsciously, I still hoped that my daughter would not become “me” who "used to be obedient in order to be cared and loved in relationships." So I gave my daughter plenty of space and opinions of her own initiative and thought that this was to give respect to the child's feeling. But I ignored that the nature quality of my daughter and mines are different......... Then, as my child attended the kindergarten, it coincided with the timing on which my job and courses of graduated school overlapped. I was nervous and anxious every day, but my strong-minded and persistent daughter always stuck on her own opinion at the moment which I felt inappropriate. So every morning, before going out, there were battles between mother(me) and daughter (I was anxious about being late while my daughter was not willing to put on clothes which were chosen by me were not what she wanted. And when my daughter was not willing to put on such clothes, even though I assisted her in putting on, she cried out and took them off. And you could never push her…);

 In addition, my daughter was often shy when facing strangers and couldn’t say hello cutely and lovely to relatives and others, even acquaintances. It made me feel that I couldn’t teach her well to make her be a polite child. Even though I understood that it was my daughter’s nature, and it was improper to force her too much. But I was still motivated by my own fears and tried all kinds of methods to ask my daughter to say hello to relatives who we met every day. At the same time, my daughter was also picky for foods and had various rebellious behaviors. 

Moreover, my daughter was almost unable to communicate when she was covered by negative emotions, and any languages were useless at this time. No matter what I said from the empathy, my daughter seemed to lose hearing. I guessed that she could only feel my unhappy attitude and emotion then. However, during that period of time, I was under double pressure and could not sleep well every day, I became a panic mother who freaked out and yelled every 2-3 days---I was angry that my daughter was not well-behaved to sleep, eat, drink milk and put on clothes to go out, or cooperate with me so that I was late...

 But after yelling to her, I still had to clean up the mess by myself. After a few times, I was shocked that I couldn’t comfort my daughter and it really made me feel frustrated. I triggered my daughter’s strong emotions and knew that what my daughter needed was my love. But every time I saw that my daughter was emotionally hurt, my own feelings still deeply affected me. Under such circumstances, all my pacification was useless. 

Even though my mood was stable later, my daughter still did not accept my aid and comfort. Such situation was huge strike and frustration for me. At this time, Teacher Duan helped me to see how my attitude affected my daughter’s emotions and made me realize that I still considered “I” as the main body when raising my daughter instead of really seeing her need. That’s why I couldn’t really treat my daughter from empathy and of course my daughter didn’t accept my comfort. (Teacher Duan showed and made me feel the same feeling of my daughter when my daughter heard my various words and reactions.) Thus, I started to look back at myself and adjusted my mentality and emotions.  By quitting yelling and adjusting my emotions, the relationship between my daughter and I was improved gradually.


    但即使親子關係改善了,我始終無法享受親子時光,也覺得女兒太黏,黏得我有時候想逃開,更無法看到女兒想逗我開心的一些心思,此時,是段老師一語道破我在親子關係中的盲點,我才又開始調整我的心態,這一次,我真正看到了女兒,突然看到眼前的孩子是那麼可愛、天真及有創意,也感受到女兒有時候的貼心及幽默,現在回想孩子的行為變化其實不大,可是我的狀態及眼光改變後,卻能感受到女兒一些比較細微的心思,在不急著完成每件「該做的事情」之後,我開始享受著與孩子一起的時光,奇妙的是,女兒也在這樣的互動中,成為天使小孩,親子關係開啟了良性的循環,即使有些事情不如女兒心意時,她比較能被我安撫,她情緒大發洩不願妥協的時間縮短了,很多事情也變得比較可以商量討論,而這一切的改變,是段老師點破了我在當中的盲點,使我有方向及方法可以調整,才有後續的變化。   

But even though the parent-child relationship improved, I still couldn’t enjoy the parent-child time all the time and also felt that my daughter was too clingy so that sometimes I wanted to escape. And I also couldn’t see some of my daughter’s thoughts were because she wanted to make me happy. At this time, Teacher Duan pointed out that my blind spot in the parent-child relationship in one sentence so that I could begin to adjust my mentality again. This time, I could really see my daughter and suddenly saw that the child in front of me was so cute, innocent and creative. I also felt that my daughter was sometimes very thoughtful and humor. At this moment, when I recalled, the change of my child's behavior was not big. However, after my own status and vision changed, I could feel some of my daughter's subtle intentions. After I was not in a hurry to complete every “to-do," I started to enjoy the time with my child. The amazing thing was that my daughter became an angel child in this kind of interaction. When the parent-child relationship has opened a virtuous circle, even though some things still couldn’t match my daughter’s wishes, she was more easily comforted by me. The duration of my daughter being temperamental, venting her feelings, and being unwilling to compromise has been shortened and many things have become more negotiable. All these changes were because the Teacher Duan pointed out my blind point in the relationship and gave me the direction and methods to adjust so that it brought the subsequent changes.

    這兩段親子關係改善的時間持續了一年多,第一年是我開始戒吼,母女關係是改善了,但女兒的情緒仍然很強烈、難被安撫,且很多事情難以商量轉圜,第二年,也就是最近兩個月,在我沒有那麼忙碌,心境穩定,且開始能欣賞女兒時,母女間的感情不只是改善,而是變得緊密,女兒也變得情緒穩定,不開心時能被安撫,不如意時能商量,也許有人會說孩子年齡較長有所影響,但我深刻體會最大因素是我這個做母親自己的改變,帶動了良性的循環。平常的我在工作時擅長說同理的語言,展現好奇與同理的態度,但是一進入親密關係中,因為牽扯了太多自己的情緒與感受,「任務型媽媽」總是馬上出現,反而無法真的看見及同理孩子的感受,感謝段老師耐心地帶著我持續看見我自己,調伏我自己,我才能真正的「看見」眼前的女兒,對女兒付出關愛,真心希望女兒能好好長出自己的樣子。

 The improvement of these two parent-child relationships lasted for more than a year. In the first year, I started to quit yelling, the relationship between mother and daughter was improved indeed, but my daughter was still very moody and hard to be comforted, and there were many things which were difficult to negotiate. 
In the second year, i.e. the last two months, when I was not so busy, my mood was stable, and I began to appreciate my daughter, the relationship between my daughter and I was not only improved but also became close, and my daughter became emotionally stable and pacifiable when she was unhappy, and it was able to discuss with her when things didn’t always work out as she thought.
Some people may say that these changes are improved because the children get elder. But I deeply realized that the biggest reason was the change of myself as a mother and led to a virtuous cycle. I am good at talking with empathy and showing curiosity and same attitude of empathy at work, but once I enter into the intimate"task-type mother" always appeared immediately. So that I can't really see my child and treat her feelings with empathy. Thank Teacher Duan for patiently carrying me to see and adjust myself continuously. Thus, I can really "see," take good care of and love my daughter. 
I sincerely hope that my daughter could grow up at her own way and with her own style.


 

段老師的話(Teacher Duan's Words)

 

Ring 是我過去的個案,做完潛意識處理之後,繼續在我教室上課學習至今。當時她來找我做潛意識諮詢時,正因為男女感情的挫敗無助,我仍清晰記得當時她的問題源頭,正是來自於童年所謂「愛的匱乏」,這造成了在男女關係裡,她總是因為害怕失去愛而不斷地委曲自己,經過了潛意識處理後,Ring因為內在能量場的改變,自願結束了原來那段其實不斷傷害自己的不愉快關係,之後,遇到了一位好的伴侶,也就是現在的先生。如她文章裡所說,這幾年隨著母親的老病,內心出現了與母親之間那份既愛又怨的複雜糾結,於是開始直面與母親的關係;當有了女兒之後渴愛課題又繼續出現在與女兒的親子關係上。 

Ring is my past case, she keeps learning in my classroom until now after the subconscious consultation. When she came to me for the subconscious consultation, she was trapped in the frustration and helplessness of love relationship, I still clearly remember that the source of her problem was from the so-called “lack of love” of her childhood which caused her to always make herself unhappy in the love relationship for fear of losing love. After the subconscious consultation, Ring voluntarily ended the unpleasant relationship which actually hurt herself constantly. After that, she met a good partner who is now her husband. As what she said in her article, with her mother’s aging and illness in the past years, there were complicated entanglements of love and grudge in her mind, so she began to directly face with the relationship between her mother and her. And when she had her daughter, the subject of thirst for love continued to appear in the parent-child relationship between her daughter and her. 


也許讀者會疑惑,不是之前已經做過潛意識處理了嗎?為何還會再一次次遇到問題呢?我也想把握這篇心得,在這個問題上做一番說明。

Perhaps the readers will be confused, hasn’t she done the subconscious consultation? Why did she still come across problems again and again? I also want to grasp this chance and make some explanations on this issue.

人生的問題能一次解決嗎?

Can the problems of life be solved at one time?

 

以我個人自身面對生命課題,以及我處理個案問題的經驗,告訴我,問題的核心主軸,確實可以在一段週期處理中,得到「質」上的解決與翻轉,但是因為我們之前問題背後的錯誤習氣在潛意識中,也經過幾十年,無時無刻不斷被自己複製,猶如刻痕已深,如果你不持續練習你在諮詢室裡新學到的思維觀點模式,是很容易又回到原來熟悉習慣的思維模式裡,這也是為什麼我十分、非常、極力強調,個案回去後,請要照著我給的潛意識功課去練習
事實上凡是認真練習的個案,我都親眼見到,他們真的因此有重大的質與量的改變。

質,我能做:但是量的改變,只能靠個案自己不斷練習,我常比喻,就像是我幫你燒好了開水,如果你回家還想喝到同樣溫度的開水,你得保持炭火予以保溫,所謂的保持炭火就是指「保持練習」。

 As far as I face my own life-oriented issues and my experience in dealing with problems of the cases, it told that the “essence” of the core spindle of the problems can indeed be solved and flipped in the period of consultation, but the wrong habitual tendency behind our previous problems has been constantly copied by ourselves in the subconscious for decades as the deep scores, if you don’t keep practicing the new mindset mode you learned in the consultation room, it’s very likely to return to your originally accustomed thinking mode. Therefore, it is why I “strongly emphasized” that when you come here to me and then go back to your life, please practice the subconscious homework I gave.   

In fact, I have seen that all the cases who practice seriously really have significant qualitative and quantitative changes. On the quality, I can help, but on the quantity of change, it can only be practiced by the case him/herself. I often say it is like that I have boiled the water for you, if you want to drink the water at the same temperature after you go home, you have to keep the fire going to keep the water warm. The so-called “keeping the fire going” means "keep practicing."


此外,不同的事件,可能涉及不同的內在課題,因此最初我們雖然在潛意識處理週期裡,成功療癒了個案當時帶來的問題,但隨著歲月經過,生命歷程的變化,發生在個案身上新的事件或情境,可能翻騰出一些處理當時,還沒顯露出來的課題,例如以Ring的例子,當初來找我時,我們雖然療癒了童年的愛的匱乏,可以不覺得自憐了,可以自信地經營自己的人生了,但是母親老病後,自己才開始面對要照顧母親的課題;當自己當了媽媽之後,才開始面對要扮演一個付出者而非渴愛者的角色,這些是她當年諮詢時還沒遇到的情境與課題:付出的抗拒、承擔的恐懼。所幸,因為Ring後來一直在教室裡參與每月一次的課程學習,因此,在這些人生過程裡,我能夠一次次隨應著她當時的身心狀態,適度地給予潛意識的處理,或點出她問題所在,建議她如何運用上我教過的方法去思惟、解決。

 
In addition, different events may involve different internal issues. Therefore, although we successfully healed the problems brought by the cases in the subconscious consultation, as the time goes by and the life journey changes, the new events or situations which occurred on the case may have tempered some of the issues that were not revealed at the time.

For example, after Ring came to me, her lack of love in the childhood was healed and she finally could get rid of self-pity and manage her own life confidently, but when her mother got old and sick, it was the beginning for her to face with the issue of taking care of her mother; and when she became a mother, she began to face with the issue of being a giver rather than a taker who thirsts for love. These were situations and issues which she had not encountered during the consultation at that time: the resistance of giving and the fear of commitment. Fortunately, because Ring has been involved in the monthly learning in the classroom, in the process of life, according to her physical and mental state at that time, I can moderately deal with her subconscious problems or point her problems out and suggest her how she can use the subconscious methods I have taught her to think and solve them.


所以,這是否代表人生的問題永遠解決不完?

 So, does this mean that the problems of life can never be solved all?


我常常以我自己發明的一套螺旋梯理論來解釋:當我們爬螺旋梯的時候,可能一陣子又見到了同樣x軸線上的某個風景點,但是隨著不斷往上爬,我們看那個x軸點的高度,也是y軸的高度,其實不一樣了。意思是說,一個問題是可以在一段時間裡得到解決。但是隨著生命的歷程、周遭因緣的變化,同一個問題,可能引動出另外其他的或更深入的課題

 I often use the theory of a spiral ladder I invented to explain: When we climb the spiral ladder, we may see a certain scenic spot on the same x-axis in a while, but as we keep climbing up, the height of which we stand to see the x-axis point is also the height of the y-axis is actually different. This means that a problem can be solved over a period of time. However, with the course of life and the changes in the surrounding cause, the same problems may lead to other and more in-depth topics.


那麼是否代表問題永遠解決不完呢?嗯,我個人的體驗與解讀是:即使再面對同樣的x軸點,因為之前的學習已經使你的解題能力增加了,這回只要再次真心面對與學習,當你再跨越本次難題、經歷這次學習,之後的領悟將會更高,收穫更加豐富,因為你所在的y軸點也更高啦。

 And if it means that the problems will never be solved? Um, my personal experience and interpretation is: even if you have to face with the same x-axis point, because the previous learning has already increased your ability to solve the problems, this time, as long as you face with and learn the problems with your true heart again, after you cross this difficulty again and get through the learning, your realization will be higher, and the harvest will be more abundant, for the y-axis point you are at is also higher. 


所以與其說,「問題」永遠解決不完,不如說這是宇宙上天一直在送給我們禮物,讓我們可以不斷地成長、享受到更豐饒的智慧禮物。

 So instead of saying that the "problems" can never all be solved, it is better to say that these are the gifts that the universe and the heaven have been giving to us, so that we can continue growing and enjoying more abundant gifts of wisdom.


我想我這番話,如今已能安心地陪伴著母親、愉悅地享受照顧女兒的Ring,一定會認同吧。我真心祝福所有人都有機會像Ring或其他個案,乃至教室裡的學生們一樣,有機會享受到跨越生命難關背後的甜美果實。

 I think that about these words of mine, Ring who now that already can comfortably accompany her mother and enjoys taking care of her daughter will definitely agree. I sincerely hope that everyone has the opportunity to enjoy the sweet fruits after crossing the hardship of life, like Ring or other cases, and even the students in the classroom.


前提就是,勇敢地在潛意識中,面對,及療癒。

The premise is, to face, and heal, in the subconscious bravely.


 

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